freak out

I woke up at 2:00 a.m. after getting in bed by about 9:15. I didn't sleep all of that time but I slept some of it. And I've been up ever since, my mind racing. So many epic things float in my mind, but first and foremost is my son Rowan and how poor of a father I am because of how unresolved I am. I don't like my job. I got a new psychiatrist who didn't really listen to me and prescribed me a new medication that I clearly am not liking, but at least it has allowed this realization: I hate my life and where it has taken me.  I get vague flashbacks to a social, happy Cody, but I'm not even sure that I was happy then. I miss sociality, but I'm in such an unhappy geographical location for myself that I loathe any social interaction here. It's a brutal dichotomy. No path seems valid. 

It felt cathartic to have this outburst. I cried a tiny little bit, I wish I could cry more, maybe with more work on this.