I'm really struggling right now. I feel super alone. I miss Lisa a lot. I miss a sense of safety, like everything is going to be okay. Like I don't have to think about everything all the time. But I do, and I can't stop it. I don't feel hopeless, but I don't see a direct path from where I'm at to being really alive again. I know hard work and patience and dedication and habit building will get me somewhere, but I don't know who I'll be able to talk to about it with. And that really hurts. For some reason, I need to talk to somebody besides myself about it. I miss my dad. I hated to see him become a shell almost instantaneously. I was so mad at my brother and my sisters for not listening to me for so long, but they probably just knew that there was nothing that could be done. Every week I sort cards that were a sick obsession of his. I'm making money off of it and setting myself up in some ways, but it's not like I'm set for life, and it's painful to do. It prolongs this isolation.
I've pondered writing poems about grave robbing quite a bit. I almost researched tomb robberies.
I miss Lisa. I miss her warmth, the comfort of her home, sex with her. The hardest part is knowing that she eschewed me, barely ever talks to me, plays on this crazy obsession in my mind, in which I have broken boundaries and made mistakes over and over again.
I've gotten so irregular with my son as to not even know what it means to be regular, except for video chatting, which I don't even like doing. All connection with him feels severed. I'm sorry Rowan. I'm so so sorry. I don't want it to be like this forever, but I don't know how to get back.
