I have basically decided that I don't ever want to be with most women because I don't care about making much money. If I could make amazing money while cooking, writing, gardening, or some other venture where I felt I was making a huge difference in the world, great, but that is unlikely, and striving for that makes it come from an unnatural place, which completely defeats the purpose, so fuck that. I'd rather work a job I semi-believe in and make not great money to continue pursuing greatness on the side tan risk ever selling out.
Anyway, that makes my lifestyle a bit rough and tumble and thus, not appealing to the majority of women out their, who, pursuing their own evolutionary ghosts, require great stability and investment. I have no desire to perpetuate that or anything remotely like it, nor do I care about passing on what I consider I to be my blemished genes.
Olivia still haunts me though, and that really sucks. I was madly in love with her, and she was by far the most balanced girl I'd ever met.
Coming to terms with all of this hurts and isn't easy. Parts of me are in love with a romanticized concept of having children. Think of how much I could improve upon what my parents taught? Wrong. My kids would still hate me. I see how good parents produce good kids who love them and I have no idea how that is done. It's frightening. I live in a world of sick codependency and I have no notion of how to get out of it.
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Location:Louisiana St,Longview,United States
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